SI Alley
by Jalinth
Summary: Some self-inserts don't care about the plot. They just want to go home, and have done this enough times to knock down anything that gets in their way.


I woke with a pounding headache. It took me a moment or two to pry my eyes open and look around. It quickly became apparent that I wasn't in Kansas anymore. Metallic walls and reflecting neon lights were a dead give away. It looked like I was in some kind of high tech alleyway.

Wondering what went wrong, I pulled myself to my feet and walked to one end of the alley. Flying cars and a Turian walking down the 'street'. Frack. That means I know where I am. Self-Insert Alley on the Citadel. Not a-Fracking-gain. I am so SICK of this BULLCRAP. All that BLOODY EFFORT to get home and I end up in the WRONG FREAKING UNIVERSE! Right then and there I decided I was going to track down whatever R.O.B. that decided to put me here and kick his ass so hard it would be ten thousand years before he could sit down again. Unfortunately for the R.O.B. this wasn't my first rodeo and unlike those other poor s.o.b.s that ended up waking up in this alley I could actually pull it off. Still, that could wait. If I was in Mass Effect I might as well have some fun while I was at it.

It took me a few minutes to find a public information terminal. Reading the news over, it looked like I had arrived here before the Eden Prime attack. Good. That means I was in the perfect time to screw all my future knowledge to hell and gone. Time to get moving then.

I made my way back to SI Alley and took a deep breath. It had been a while since I'd done what I was about to do, at least on this scale. Still I was confident it would be fine. This universe didn't work differently enough from the last one I had been stranded in for me to be concerned. I focused my will and called upon the spirits to open the Gate. A shimmering circle that looked like it should be filling a Stargate appeared on the wall in front of me and I stepped through without hesitation.

I emerged from the Gate in the middle of a battle. To my left were a number of Geth troopers. To my right, I could make out the eye catching white and pink armour of a certain soldier. Judging by the purple energy I could see flaring up, Kaiden or a Biotic Shepard had to be nearby as well. Perfect. This means I wouldn't have to waste any time waiting around. Now where was ol' squidy?

My musings were interrupted as one of the Geth troopers spotted me and decided to kill me. I felt a mild stinging as the hyper-velocity grains of sand tore apart my shirt and left a slight red rash on my skin. I sighed again at the loss of a well liked shirt. The Geth would have to pay for the affront. I raised a hand towards the sky and bellowed "SKYFIRE'S RAGE!"

The subsequent bolt of lightning that came out of the clear-ish red sky was most satisfying. It arced through the squad of Geth, reducing them molten slag. I smiled. The feeling of frying whole units of golems (or robots in this case) just never got old.

As I was busy surveying my handiwork, the other side of the fight that I had interrupted came out of cover to confront me. I heard a shout behind me and turned. There was Ashley pointing her rifle at me. Kaiden's pistol wasn't aimed at me but he was looking at me warily. Then there was... Heelllooo... Day-um. I don't know why it seemed that it was always a fem!shep that people ran into but I was not complaining. When you can look that good in combat armour I'll forgive much. Hell, if this turns out like it does for some of those other SIs, I might be convinced to stick around longer then I planned. What? I'm a heterosexual male who's been under a hell of a lot of stress for quite a while. Of course a pretty lady is going to distract me.

Of course some of this must have shown on my face because Ashley's face somehow became even more disapproving. Kaiden kept his poker face, while Shepard just chuckled. It was a delightful sound.

"Sorry about that, got a bit distracted there." I said "It's been a long day. What were you saying?"

Shepard didn't miss a beat. "I was asking you if you needed any medical attention. I saw you get hit right before the light show. Are you alright?"

Things were looking up. I was impressed with the sound of genuine concern in her voice. She really sounded like she cared and the question just screamed paragon. I shrugged nonchalantly. "Nothing to be worried about. I've had worse rashes shaving. Say, you wouldn't happen to have spotted a giant metal squid ship nearby have you? Couple klicks long, makes you feel like you can hear all the damned souls in hell scream in the back of your mind when it gets close?"

Shepard looked like she was about to answer when Ashley interrupted. "How about you answer some questions first! Who are you? How did you destroy those Geth? What do you know about that ship?"

"What? You think I destroyed those Geth? It looked like it was a rogue lightning bolt struck them. I'm flattered that you think I can bend the very elemental forces of the universe to my will but doesn't that seem a touch unlikely? As for the ship, it's actually an ancient artificial lifeform bent on consuming all sentient life in the galaxy. It's the vanguard of a whole race of these Reapers. They killed off the Protheans, along with countless other races over the last several million years. They built the Mass Relays and the Citadel to aid them in their genocide. Any other questions... Oh. You can call me Zach."

I chuckled at the dumbfounded expressions on their faces. Setsy was right, this was too much fun. Ashley started to sputter something when I noticed movement on the horizon. "Oh, there he is! Excuse me for a moment."

I took a few steps away from the group and began to focus my will again. The distinctive shape of a Reaper climbed higher into the sky. I ignored the gaping Alliance troopers as the power of the elements filled me. A glowing circle of runes appeared around my feet and another one formed in the air in front of me. It took a full fifteen seconds for the spell to reach full power, by which time the runes would be almost blinding for anyone else to look at. I could see one of Sovereigns tentacles start to point towards me, but by then it was much too late. Refusing to resist the urge to be a large ham, I said the trigger words at the top of my lungs.

"WORLD... SLAYER!"

From the center of my runic circle shot an eye searing coruscanting beam of lambent force. It sliced through the Reaper like a blade through the air. In an instant a ship that could defeat a whole fleet of starships was reduced to a few scattered pieces of falling wreckage. I swiftly cast another spell to ensure that the debris wouldn't injury anyone when it landed.

And that was how I beat the first Mass Effect game before leaving the tutorial area.


End file.
